You’re Not Going to Be Ready

Dear New Mom,

You’re not going to be ready. Your whole life you’ve been ahead of the game, planned your life out carefully. But you can’t plan for this. You can’t plan for preeclampsia. For a disease that could kill you if the baby doesn’t come, but the baby’s still not supposed to be here for five more weeks. Your crib hasn’t even arrived yet. You have work you thought you were going to get done. “Things” you were supposed to do still.

You won’t think rationally. You tell the doctors you’d rather risk yourself and let the baby incubate longer. They’ll calm you down by making you think there’s a chance you could go home and be on bed rest if everything goes well. What they don’t tell you is that the baby’s not going to grow anymore.  The preeclampsia hasn’t just weakened your organs, it has stolen your child’s nutrition. You will not leave the hospital pregnant.

The pitocin drip will start to induce labor.  You’ll be given magnesium sulfate for the preeclampsia. It will make your tongue feel thick and you won’t be able to talk or think right. You’ll have to keep reminding yourself that you are a successful career woman and it’s the medicine making you feel this way. You did not just drop into a mental rabbit hole.

And then will come the only humorous moment in this whole episode — the epidural.  While it’s no longer the scariest part of the delivery, you listen intently when the doctor tells you not to move because he’s inserting a giant needle into your spine. You do as you’re told. You hold perfectly still. Even when you get sick.

And puke all over your husband.  Even he will laugh though, because what else can you do? You’ll feel marginally bad about ruining his new shoes though.

With everything in place and more monitors running than are used to launch a space shuttle, you will labor through the night.  Fortunately, you’re totally out of it and the epidural blocks the pain.  You will never feel a single contraction.  Which is why it won’t come as a surprise to you when you wake up in the morning and are told it’s not working. Your cervix will not dilate.  You will have to deliver by cesarean.

Five weeks before your due date, you’ll be wheeled into an operating room to have your tiny baby forcibly removed from your stomach.  Like I told you in the beginning, you’re not going to be ready.

You won’t be ready for the tilting operating table that dumps you backward so the new epidural will run up your spine faster.  You won’t be ready to see your less than five pound baby be born. Or your husband nearly pass out when he accidentally catches a glimpse of your splayed open stomach.

And at the end of several days — the exact number of which you’ll eventually forget because the medicine makes things a blur — you won’t be ready to leave your baby behind in the NICU.  You won’t be ready to walk around Target, shopping for baby supplies, knowing your child is still in the hospital.

But you know what? You’ll get through it.  Because that baby will be “small but scrappy.”  She’s a fighter and you’ll be bringing her home before you know it.  Of course, you won’t be ready for any of that either.

You won’t be ready to wake up when the alarm goes off at 3 in morning. But she’s a preemie and she MUST eat every three hours, come hell or high water.

You won’t be ready to become obsessive about baby poo.  Has she gone today?  Is it enough? Too much? The right color. Should we give her some more Karo syrup in her formula? No one warned you about that.

And you won’t be ready for how much you love that baby girl. Because you’re a new mom and you won’t know how much love your heart can hold until you hold that child in your arms.

So expect the unexpected and have the good sense to let things happen and know you’re in good hands. You won’t be able to change how your baby is born, but you can control how you react to it.

Jessie is a wife, mother of two and an appellate attorney.  Her young adult mythology novel, DESTINED, debuted Nov. 17th. You can find her on her personal blog or website. She’s also on twitter, facebook, and goodreads.